You've Been Named Trustee. Here's How to Do the Job Without Losing Your Siblings.
Being named as trustee of a parent's trust is a meaningful act of confidence. It is also, for many families, a role that can strain relationships if it's approached without preparation.
The good news: much of that tension is preventable. And the best time to prepare is well before anyone is sick or the trust needs to be activated.
This is for general educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Estate planning laws vary by state. Mitzi is not a law firm. Please consult a licensed attorney for guidance specific to your situation.
Note! This is the first in a series of educational articles on serving as a trustee. It's meant as a high-level introduction to the mindset and habits that tend to help. Future articles will go deeper into the specific duties, decisions, and considerations involved, including how to think about choosing a trustee in the first place. Make sure to join our email list so you don’t miss out on future content:
What a trustee actually does
A trustee is the person, or institution, generally responsible for managing what is held in a trust and distributing it according to the terms of the trust document. A trustee can be one person, multiple people, or a combination of individuals and institutions such as a bank. It is a real job with real responsibilities, and it tends to carry a weight that most people underestimate until they are in it.
A trustee's specific duties are generally shaped by two things: the terms written into the trust document itself, and the laws of the applicable state. Because both vary, no two trustee roles look exactly alike, and this is one of the reasons it can be so helpful to consult an attorney familiar with the trust and the relevant state's rules.
The conversation worth having before anyone needs the trust
One of the most useful things a family can do is talk openly about the trust before a crisis creates the context for it. Who has been named as trustee? Why was that person chosen? What does the document actually say about how assets are to be managed and distributed?
These conversations, done in advance and without the pressure of an active emergency, tend to be far more productive than people expect. Sometimes they reveal that the named trustee does not actually want the job. Sometimes someone who was overlooked steps forward and turns out to be a better fit. Sometimes the reasoning behind a decision becomes clear for the first time, and that clarity alone can reduce tension.
"So often that conversation reveals why a choice was made, maybe for no good reason at all. Or sometimes you learn the person named actually doesn't want the job, or someone who was overlooked steps up and turns out to be a great fit." — Katie Katz, Mitzi founder and a trust and estates attorney by background
If your parents have a trust in place, asking them to walk the family through it, even at a high level, is one of the most practical things an adult child can do.
Once you're serving: three things that tend to help
Over-communicate. Keeping siblings informed about what is happening, even before they ask, tends to reduce the kind of speculation that turns into conflict. People who feel informed are much less likely to assume the worst.
Keep clean records. Every dollar in, every dollar out, every expense documented and written down. Meticulous records are not just generally good practice for administering a trust, they can also protect the trustee. When everything is accounted for and visible, there is less room for accusations of favoritism or mismanagement. If the records are clean, the conversation can stay factual.
Stay in your lane. A trustee's role is generally to administer the trust according to its terms and applicable state law, not to referee old family dynamics or re-litigate history. That can be a harder boundary to hold than it sounds, but it tends to matter for the trustee's own wellbeing as much as for the family's.
And when it starts to feel like too much to carry alone, bringing in outside help is a legitimate and often smart move. A mediator, an estate planning attorney, or another professional can support a trustee in doing the job well and can take some of the pressure off a family member in a way that helps protect relationships.
For more on how trusts work and where they fit in a broader estate plan, see The Three Essential Estate Planning Documents and 4 Things I Found When I Went Through My Parents' Estate Plan With Them.
Serving as a trustee doesn't have to come at the cost of your family relationships. The preparation tends to matter as much as the execution.
Mitzi doesn't support trusts yet, but it's on our roadmap, and we'll keep sharing educational content on trust and trustee topics along the way. In the meantime, if you're thinking about your own foundational documents and live in Michigan, Mitzi can guide you through creating your own financial power of attorney and healthcare power of attorney online, at your own pace, with no law firm appointment needed. Get started in the Mitzi app.
Not in Michigan yet? Take our Prepare to Plan Quiz for a free personalized checklist. We will let you know when Mitzi comes to your state.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does a trustee do? A trustee is the person or institution responsible for managing assets held in a trust and distributing them according to the terms written in the trust document. Trustees generally have a legal duty to act in the interest of the beneficiaries and to follow the document as written. The role can be held by one person, multiple people, or a combination of individuals and institutions such as a bank. Trustee responsibilities and requirements vary by state.
Can a family member be a trustee? Yes. Family members are commonly named as trustees, particularly for revocable living trusts created by aging parents. The person who created the trust is often the trustee while they are alive and well, with a family member named as successor trustee to step in when needed. Whether a family member is the right choice depends on the specific family situation, and it is generally worth having a direct conversation with the person being considered before the need arises..
What happens if siblings disagree with how a trustee is managing the trust? Beneficiaries of a trust generally have the right to information about the trust's administration and to hold a trustee accountable for acting in accordance with the trust document. If a dispute arises, mediation or legal counsel are common routes. Keeping thorough records and communicating proactively as a trustee is one of the most practical ways to help prevent disputes from escalating. Estate planning laws vary significantly by state, so consulting an attorney familiar with your situation is generally advisable when conflicts arise.
Do you have to say yes if you are named as a trustee? Generally, no. Being named as a trustee in a document does not, on its own, obligate you to accept the role. It is worth having a conversation with the person who created the trust before the role becomes active, so that both parties understand what the job involves and whether it is the right fit. If the named trustee cannot or does not want to serve, a successor trustee named in the document typically steps in.
When should a professional trustee or mediator be involved? There is no single threshold, but professional support is generally worth considering when there is significant family conflict, when the trust involves substantial or complex assets, when the trustee is concerned about their own ability to remain neutral, or when the administrative responsibilities feel unmanageable. Bringing in a professional does not mean the family trustee has failed. It often means the trustee is taking the job seriously.
How do I talk to my parents about their trust before it becomes necessary? Framing the conversation around logistics and preparation rather than money or inheritance tends to go better. Asking who has been named, where the document is kept, and what the general setup looks like is a reasonable starting point. For more on how to approach these conversations, see How to Help Your Parents Get Their Estate Plan in Order and Dad Has a Trust From the 90s.
This is for general educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Estate planning laws vary by state. Mitzi is not a law firm. Please consult a licensed attorney for guidance specific to your situation.
